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Crack a Tallboy, it’s Opening Night Season Two of the Texas Rollergirls by Robert Malina

Texas Rollergirls Public Bout
Sunday, February 22, 2004 @ Playland
w/ The Dirt Track Brawlers, Satan's Cheerleaders and the Flametrick Subs

AUSTIN, TX 2/22/2004 - As the sun began to set on an unseasonably warm Sunday evening, the crowds gathered along the side of the Playland Skate Center in anticipation of getting their hands on one of the few highly-coveted tickets to opening night of the second season of the Texas Rollergirls. Those who purchased tickets in advance lined up half an hour ahead of the gates opening at 6:30 p.m.

As I stood in line waiting for my ticket at Will Call, I heard what sounded like a familiar voice, but I couldn’t place it right off the bat. I turned to see the whirling dervish that is Jackass’ Wee Man in all his splendor. He was excited about the roller derby it seemed, and so was I. This was shaping up to be an exciting opening night.

My first impression as I walked into the arena was that it felt a little humid and muggy inside. My suspicions were correct as one skater after another told me that the floor was slippery, a product of the lack of air conditioning, thus the humidity. We’d see how this played out as game time approached. There were differences in the 2004 Texas Rollergirl season on display. Most noticeably the track straight-aways have been lengthened by ten feet, allowing for more speed around the corners. What this equates to is more girl-on-crowd action and frequently-spilled beer. Speaking of beer, the Texas Rollergirls recently landed Lone Star Beer as a sponsor for the season... Congratulations to all, especially Electra Blu for landing the sponsor. Tall boys are available now for $3 along with Shiner at $4. All that aside, the crowd was hyped and ready for some 2004 action.

FIRST BOUT-HOTROD HONEYS V. HELL MARYS

Last year’s runners-up, the Hotrod Honeys had one thing on their minds, getting off to a good start in 2004. From the outset, it looked like the Hotrod Honeys had been working hard in the off-season. Cat Tastrophe was very focused and a bit more powerful, as she blasted through the pack to kick off the season.

No season would be ready to start without a little snafu, and that’s just what happened as the scoreboard went down after the second jam (due to someone accidently tripping over the power cord.) But it was quickly fixed and the action continued with its torrid pace.

The Hell Marys, led by sweet Strawberry, were having major difficulties getting through Hydra and the gang to take a lead jammer position. Meanwhile the Hotrod Honeys were having their way with the Hell Marys. This seemed to be an example of two teams on the opposite ends of the practicing spectrum. In one instance, the blockers for the Hell Marys were anticipating Cat Tastrophe’s approach to the pack, but her speed was too much and she plowed right through them, leaving three Hell Marys sprawled around the corner.

Mean Streak looked poised to set the Hell Marys back up in scoring position as she took a Lead Jammer position, but that soon changed as she lost the front skate on her left boot. Things just were not going the Hell Marys' way this evening. Tinkerhell was doing her best to get something going for the Hell Marys when Riff Scandel brutally dragged her down, effectively taking the wind out of the proverbial sails.

Late in the period, we got our first glimpse of White Lightnin' in the jammer position. Last year I thought she was a bit reckless and out of control, which does not make for an effective jammer. This year, she seems more poised and smooth, which translated to even more points for the Hotrod Honeys.

It was obvious at this point that the Hell Marys were fighting an uphill battle, fighting being the key word. On one jam where Misty Meaner and her award-winning ass were approaching the pack, Mean Streak opened a huge hole up front by blasting Lucille Brawl into the crowd. But Lucille smiled and continued to kick ass in her jammer role.

Strawberry’s slinky quickness can not be underestimated in any jam, and she proved this by getting off to a fast start and knifing through the pack, scoring some points and calling off the jam with authority. But her counterpart Bloody Mary seemed to be having a tough time scoring any points... but it also doesn’t help when you’ve got White Lightnin' destroying the entire team in one instance, leaving bodies strewn along a straightaway. In the end, the Hotrod Honeys had doubled up the Hell Marys by the end of the period.

END OF PERIOD HOTROD HONEYS 52 – HELL MARYS 26.

SECOND HALF ACTION (HOT ROD HONEYS AND HELL MARYS)

After what seemed like quite possibly the longest half-time on record for a Texas Rollergirl event, the action resumed. It seemed to me that the first half action had lasted a lot longer than usual and my suspicions were confirmed as I realized that they had been stopping the clock after every jam, or approximately every 45-50 seconds. (The Rollergirls have since decided to go back to their original method of ruynning the clock between jams and stopping it only for trips to the Doors of Discipline and between jams when only two minutes remain in the period.)

Lucille Brawl got the action going again with a smile as she squared off with Mean Streak. This half would prove to be very important for the Hell Marys if they were considering competing for the Championship. White Lightnin' was doing her best to get things stirred up in a bout that started rather sluggishly. This was already proving to be a tough road for the Hell Marys, but the Hotrod Honeys made it even worse as they extended their already large lead. Misty Meaner was fighting hard for position, but then Tomcat and crew in the main pack would keep her down. Meanwhile, Cat Tastrophe was absolutely dominant on this night. She was by far the player of the night in both bouts.

When facing an uphill climb like the Hell Marys were, it can be hard to keep your chin up. But it’s only harder when a player like Vendetta von Dutch starts heating up and knocking people around. This got Anna Mosity -- already the hothead -- even hotter, and girls began to go wild sans the racks exposed.

Speaking of racks, in one of the more interesting match-ups of the night, we saw Best Rack winner Melicious line up against Best Ass winner Misty Meaner. Von Dutch sprung a big hole for Melicious, and she was gone. The Hotrod Honeys were up by 30; this one was all but history.

But the Wrench wasn’t going out just yet as she wrangled Hydra to the floor and got a couple of good shots in before the refs swooped in to break it up. But it was all over minus the crying, and the Hotrod Honeys straight up took it to the Hell Marys. The Hell Marys are not a bad team, they just ran into a buzz saw on opening night and got their asses handed to them. Next bout is a different story and for the Hell Marys, that is a relief.

FINAL SCORE HOTROD HONEYS 80 – HELL MARYS 48

SECOND BOUT-HUSTLERS V. HONKY TONK HEARTBREAKERS

You knew going into this one that it was going to be a grudge match. These two teams flat out just don’t like each other. That said, you have a whole new set of circumstances surrounding the Hustlers. No longer are they the new team. No longer are they the surprisingly good team. Don’t get me wrong, they are still damn good, but it’s no surprise to anyone. Whenever you’re the Champion, especially the undefeated champion, you have your work cut out in order to repeat. And I honestly believe after talking to a couple of the Hustlers that they were concerned about how they would handle a loss should it come their way. But remember, the Hustlers are the champions until someone takes that crown from them at the end of the season.

The Hustlers still have arguably the most vocal and organized fan bases of any team in the Texas Rollergirls league. So that’s always a factor. And the action got off to a hot start as usual, but normally this is the part where you read about Dinah-Mite opening up the scoring and putting the Hustlers way up. This time, Barbarella and Trouble got the action going, and Trouble looked like she would be causing it for the Hustlers as she easily broke through the blocking line of the Hustlers and scored first. Loose Tooth Lulu lined up against Electra Blu in the next bout, and it was Derringer who looked like she was going to be loosening some teeth of her own as Electra Blu was knocked to the ground and the Honky Tonk Heartbreakers took more points.

The marquee match up of speed and power was on tap as Sparkle Plenty lined up along side 2003 MVP Dinah-Mite. I’ll let you figure out who got out in front immediately, but with a couple of quick moves, Sparkle Plenty had the jam in hand. This was unprecedented territory for the Hustlers, as they had yet to score. Not to mention the surprised looks on many of their faces as they were getting pushed around the rink, something the Hustlers were used to dishing out but not taking.

Not a team to give up, the Hustlers put Barracuda up to jam. This depth that the Hustlers have may prove to be too much for many teams. They sent six different jammers up in a row, while the Honky Tonk Heartbreakers matched them, it would not be the case for the rest of the bout. The Honky Tonk Heartbreakers were doing to the Hustlers what no one could do last year and that was pushing them around and getting an early lead.

But as the period progressed, the Hustlers began chipping away at the lead the Heartbreakers had worked so hard to build. But it wasn’t going to be easy, as Buckshot Betsy fought hard for some additional points and went down hard. Barracuda was doing a lot for the Hustlers as she was winning her jams consistently down the stretch and again, chipping away at the lead.

By far the most dramatic match-up, Dinah and Sparkle Plenty were really going at it. Elbows were being thrown while beers were being thrown down. Speaking of beers, 8-Track was mixing it up in the crowd with Sparkle Plenty in an effort to do some damage of her own. As the period wound down, it was obvious that the half-time break would be used to figure strategy on both teams, as this was a close one.

END OF PERIOD HUSTLERS 38 – HONKY TONK HEARTBREAKERS 39

SECOND HALF ACTION (HUSTLERS AND HONKY TONK HEARTBREAKERS)

The action began as the last one had ended: intensely! The Hustlers came out firing and the Honky Tonk Heartbreakers came out stumbling a bit. But they would not let that slow them down as Buckshot Betsy squared off with Pussy Velour in a heated jam. Pussy Velour went down hard on the rink, and this one was sure to leave a bruise, but she got up to fight another day.

Slim Kickins and Barbarella were the next to hit the jamming circuit and 8-Track had a one track mind, not letting anyone by her. But a penalty on Rose Royce slowed the action down. Trouble, having the game of her life, was doing some serious damage when Dinah-Mite -- in a blocker role -- just laid her out, sending Trouble into the crowd, which let out a roar. Bodies flying was definitely the theme of this bout as it was obvious through the actions of these athletes that winning was the priority.

Buckshot Betsy lined up against Dinah-Mite in what seemed like a mismatched jam at first, but the Honky Tonk Heartbreakers were doing the little things that help teams win... like Slim Kickins teeth-rattling block to open up the back for her girl Buckshot Betsy to go through. Sparkle Plenty was shining in the next jam, as she followed the blocks of Derringer who continued to lay the wood on the Hustlers. Trouble continued to hold her own, scoring opportunistically and stretching the slim lead that the Heartbreakers had fought so hard to gain. This was the moment that the Honky Tonk Heartbreakers were looking for: the clock was ticking down and it was imperative that the Hustlers score points.

So with Barbarella looking to do just that, the Honky Tonk Heartbreakers played defense and pulled the pack back, not letting her through. Dinah-Mite did her part, winning an important jam, but time was not on the side of the purple and silver. Barracuda tried one last time to get some points for her team but Sparkle Plenty held her off and the inevitable happened; the Hustlers were beaten. You knew it was gong to happen, you just didn’t know when. And opening night was the most fitting scene for such an upset, leaving a mountain of intrigue left for the remaining season. Stay tuned folks; this is going to be a great season!

FINAL SCORE: HONKY TONK HEARTBREAKERS 70 – HUSTLERS 55